Lena

2011-07-12T22:46:00.004-04:00

Lol I can change and erase all I want cause no one reads this anyway XD

A Letter to My Grandparents

2011-06-23T23:26:00.002-04:00

Grandpa Art and Grandma Angie,

The first thing that I would like to say is that I was advised against e-mailing you for the reasons that I am, and I would appreciate it if our conversations here - whatever they may be - stay between the three of us, between grandparents and grandchild.

I wish that I was writing to you on a happier occasion, and that I didn't have to get your e-mail address from an e-mail that was sent to Alyssa, but I'm afraid that I'm not and that that is, in fact, how I've received your e-mail address. I'll start by saying that this is in response to the e-mail that you wrote to Alyssa, and while I understand that was between you and Alyssa, it was sent to my mother for comfort reasons and I read it myself. Maybe it wasn't my place to read it, and it certainly may not be my place to write a letter in response to it, but I feel that perhaps my opinion needs to be expressed for myself, so that you cannot infer that I think lowly of either of you. I will also state that I have come to an age where mother has allowed me to read the e-mails that were sent to herself and to my Aunt Heidi, and that I may or may address those old wounds in what I am about to write. In advance, I apologize if anything that I say offends or hurts you.

Let me officially begin by saying that I am disappointed in the way the relationship between us, (Zoe, Nicholas, and Alyssa included,) has been handled, and I feel as though the blame cannot be pit on our mothers any longer. With the utmost confidence, I can say that I was uncertain of who you were up until Zoe was around five years old; I knew photos of Grandpa Art, and I knew that Grandma Angie existed, but I couldn't recognize simply the sounds of your voice due to the rarity of phone calls. And with the theory of blaming our mothers for your lack of contact with us, I would like to use the same argument that I use when people, (especially Zoe,) ask me why I don't simply suck it up and contact my father when I know that he will not contact me first. We are the children. You are the parents. It is not our jobs to reach out to you and contact you. I understand that relationships are two-way streets, but when the parental figure does not show interest in contacting their children and/or grandchildren, why should the children/grandchildren feel obligated? I cannot count on my hands all of the birthdays of mine that you have missed out on, without bringing my mother or my sister into this. And I cannot ignore Nicholas, who has the same birthday as Dalton, and who has heard that you have called Dalton and failed to call him. You failed to call my mother when she went through her knee surgery back at Christmas time. And due to the rare phone call on Christmas that came last year, we looked forward to another one this year that did not come.

I would also like to say that we do not call you Nana and Papa here because - by the time that you were formally introduced to us - we had already known you as Grandpa Art and Grandma Angie. We did not know you as Nana and Papa, because you did not tell us to call you that; you did not call us and ask us, "Can you please call us Nana and Papa;" as a matter of fact, when Dalton called you Nana and Papa two years ago around us for the first time, Zoe and I looked at each other with confusion. I must also point out, on this note, that the names Nana and Papa are names of fondness; names that come with being constantly in the lives of the grandchildren in question, and names that come with familiarity. Unfortunately, I cannot say that I am all too familiar with you, nor can you say that you are all too familiar with me. I can't say that I know either of your birthdays, nor has it crossed my mind to ask my mother. I can't say that you are individuals that I think to call on Mother's Day and Father's Day, because you are not vital players in the game of my life. That is sad and unfortunate, but it is not due to my mother. My mother has spoken nothing but kind things of you until I started asking questions; questions of why you never called me; questions of why Dalton received birthday and Christmas calls while Alyssa, Aiden, Zoe, myself, and Nicholas especially did not; and eventually, when I started asking questions as to why my father spoke to you more than my mother did. And even then, my mother spoke of both of you, (especially you, Grandpa Art,) with as much fondness as one who has been wronged can speak with, and then some, (and please, do not try to say that my mother has not been wronged; I can both quote the e-mails that were written to her and I can recall my mother crying because of what was said to her when we came to visit you in Texas so many years ago,).

I can only speak for myself when I say that I have never thought lowly of you without reason. When someone asks me if we are close, I say no. When someone asks me if I know who you really are, I say no. When someone asks if I see you regularly, I say no. And - like any other child - that leads to bitter and hurt feelings, just like I'm sure that you have bitter and hurt feelings thinking that you've been forgotten and that you, Grandma Angie, must have bitter and hurt feelings being left out of Alyssa's graduation invitations. But the truth of this matter is: it is a blessing that Alyssa thought about you at all. That may be the cruelest thing that I have said thus far, and while I would like to apologize, I find that I can't. Unless things like this occur, or unless my mother mentions you, or someone else asks me questions about my grandparents, I can't say that I think about you. And I wonder if you think about me unless things like this happen or someone mentions us. Maybe this e-mail that you wrote to Alyssa is a blessing in disguise, because it give me the opportunity to reach out to you.

I wish that I wasn't going to have to say that, unfortunately, I consider it a bad thing because I have to bring up that I don't appreciate you speaking about Aunt Heidi and - though it was only underlying - my mother the way that you did, and I don't appreciate you using Alyssa as a scape goat to do so. Aunt Heidi said the things that she did because she was hurt that you failed to contact her daughter on two of the most important days of her life; her eighteenth birthday and graduation. She was completely justified in calling you, and even if she was blinded by her outrage and her pain. In fact, I would hope/I have utmost confidence in the fact that - if you neglected to call me on my eighteenth birthday and graduation - my mother would do the same. 　

Do not think of this as me saying that I don't love you. On the contrary, I felt hurt enough by your words and actions that I was impulsed to reply, even though it wasn't directed towards me. That is - by my standards - a sign of love towards you. I don't want you to go through life blind to my opinions and my thoughts, just as I'm sure that you don't want me going blind to yours. I wouldn't be able to write this if I didn't love you.

And as I asked at the beginning, I would appreciate it if this stayed between the three of us, the way that it should. I wrote to you on my own, without any sort of outside influence, and - if you would like to respond - I would like this to stay in between the three of us. Because even though you may not know too much about me now, it is never too late to learn. And it is never too late for me to learn about you.

With All Love and Respect,

Lena Ruotolo

***

This is mostly being posted here because I don't think mom will ever let me send it -___-

I,

2011-06-13T20:32:00.003-04:00

am learning that I have a multitude of fairweather friends.
I'll continue this when my room is clean.

***

My room is clean.

I was thinking of ways that I could say all of this intelligently, and poetically, but then I decided that I don't need to be poetic. I really, really don't. Today's blog entry is about the people that have been attacking me as of late, saying that I am a bad friend and that I run for the hills when things get bad. It's for the people who claim that I'm distant, or who get mad at me over little things that I can't do anything about, or who get angry when they decide that they don't like what I have to say. And I know no one's gonna like it, but no one has asked how I feel. I'm finally asking myself: Lena, how do you feel? And at the end, there will be condolences, and a clear-headed explanation. Possibly an apology. I haven't decided yet.

So to you, who inspired this blog entry in the first place, I say, HOW DARE YOU. Who was right there when your boyfriend was being a jerk? When he was cussing you out over the phone, when you were complaining about him being disrespectful to your family, when you were certain that you never wanted to see him again? I was. Who was there when you were trash-talking the certain friend? Who was there not judging you, who was listening to it and cocking an eyebrow and keeping her words to herself? I was. So how dare you claim that I've been saying things about said friend. Anything I've said, you've said or agreed with. And to claim that I've never said anything nice after what I've said is a bold-faced lie. A bold faced, cold hearted lie. I can't think of anything else to say but "how dare you?"

And to you, who got angry with what she was saying, and who would rather decide that what she was saying is truth than to talk to me about it, I can just say that I was betrayed, and I may never get over that sense of betrayal. And to the fact that you got upset because you thought that I didn't care, or that I wasn't paying attention, I say to you: Where were you, when I needed you? The both of you are so worried about the fact that I "didn't pay attention to you;" where were either of you when I needed you? Oh, that's right, you were so wrapped up in your own problems that there was no time for mine. But never once did I pressure you into talking about how I felt. Never once did I try and put the weight of my world on your shoulders. Never once did I tell you that I wasn't there for you, or that I was leaving you. Friendship is a two-lane street, and I'm not going to be the first to contact you all the time. I'm not going to take your world on my shoulders when you're not willing to do the same for me. Why would I? I was there when you were forcing yourself to throw up in front of me; I stood next to you while other people went off saying they couldn't handle it. I took your razors and I threw them into the trash. I listened every time you needed me to to everything that you needed me to, and I never once told you that I didn't care, or tried to change the subject to be about me. But where were you, when I needed you? When I was contemplating suicide nearly every night, where were you? When I was so sick that I couldn't even walk, where were you? When Chance came out to me and I felt alone and scared and I didn't know what to do, where were you? When my mother was beating on me emotionally for her own emotional gain, where were you? When my sister was and is verbally kicking me in the face every single day, where were you? You were there, forcing your weights onto my shoulders, without offering to allow me the same luxury, even if only for a moment.

And to you, who would only speak to me if someone else was speaking to me, who do you think you are? You disappeared on me when I got sick; abandoned me, traded me in for someone else, but when you were having troubles, you would run to me and ask me for help. If you didn't like my help, you would get mad at me and scold me until, finally, we fell out to the point where I haven't really even looked at you in well over a month. I don't need to ask where you were; you disappeared when I needed everyone the most.

To you, someone whom I don't want to address but need to, ever since I met you, I have been here for you. When you were questioning your sexuality, I stayed up all night while our other friend slept, and I listened to you. When you were such a wallflower, I tried to help you; I tried to bring you out into the world of the socialite, and I like to think that you are the social butterfly that you are with some influence from me. Whenever you have girl trouble, I am first in line to help you; first in line to look out for the troublesome girls, first in line to notice the bad things and first in line to watch them and watch them until I feel that they need to be addressed. And you've done your best to return the favor, given how closed-off I can be. I love you for that. But I just wanna ask where you were, too, when I started retreating back into my shell. I wanna know where you went, and why didn't you try and grab me like I grabbed you? Where were you when I was thinking about disappearing forever, and where were you when I was crying within sight? I know that you know me well enough to know the difference between my being on the brim of tears and being tired; why didn't you return the favor and ask? Where were you when I felt so lost and alone and scared? Did you even notice that I was so lost and alone and scared?

***

As opposed to getting upset, or angry, here are my condolences:

1. If I feel strongly enough to mention you in this list, that means that you are important enough to me that I felt the need to address these things as a desire to move forward.

2. If you were not mentioned, you are still important. Your wrongs simply haven't piled up to the point where I need to vocalize them, if you've done me wrong at all.

3. These wrongs are mostly self-inflicted. I have been used, stepped on, tossed aside, and forgotten by more friends than I can count in this lifetime. These are silly things to get upset about in friends. But they bother me. I feel as though I am going ignored, yet expected to pay attention to everyone.

4. This was not - by anyone other than the first - influenced by any actions that have taken place today, yesterday, or even in the course of the past seven days. They are things that have built up for the course of a lot of time.

5. I'm okay now. Everything that I mentioned has been mostly cleared up. I just needed to ask the questions.

6. I love everyone mentioned in this. Just needed to throw that out there.

***

Since I know this will happen anyway, I hope that if you feel the need to show this to other people, that you do. If you feel that someone was directed towards and you feel that they should read it, I hope you let them read it. Uncensored, without taking anything out, I hope you give them the link and talk as much shit about me as you'd like. Because this is how I feel. This is what I would have told everyone if they would have asked me.

Good night.

I Can't Stand...

2011-06-10T20:53:00.002-04:00

How absolutely, disgustingly shallow my family is.

We gather not because we love each other or because we like seeing each other. in either of my families, the only time that we are all together is if we are forced to be all together. and even then, we stay as far away from each other; take mom and Zoe, for example. they flutter off, talking to every and anyone else but the people they came with. Nic would never even leave the house, if he didn't have to, and I get stuck sitting in a corner and looking stupid because I was under the foolish impression that we were actually going to spend "family time" together. But if I express my disinterest at this shallow attempt at togetherness, I am scolded and shunned.

I told my mom I didn't want a graduation party next year. Do you know what she said? "You don't have a choice," in the nastiest voice she could muster up.

And just the other day, she was scolding Aunt Heidi for living and partying through Alyssa. The hypocrisy never ceases to amaze me.

"Delete It"

2011-06-05T07:33:00.002-04:00

I was just thinking about how people delete things when they don't want others to see them.

"You hurt me, so and so." So and so makes it up, the post is deleted. Most preferrably before so and so sees.

"You're a liar, a bitch, and I hate you." "You" fights back, the post is deleted and "you" is threatened with cyber bullying.

"I know who you really are, and it's awful." "You" explains intricately and intelligently their thoughts and feelings, and the post is deleted so that no one else can read it.

We say these things, and if we say them on the internet, we say them so that the person that we were talking about can see them. It's the truth. We open our blogs or our facebook or our twitters and we write these things in hopes that they'll either make people smile, make people understand, or to hurt those that have hurt us. We post them on the world wide web, in a desperate hope that we have some sort of outlet, and sometimes, we don't want anyone but the person it's directed towards to see the posts that we've made. Sometimes, the posts are so hateful and so disgustingly vile that we are ashamed that we've ever posted them. So we delete them.

I prefer spoken word; if I had the tongue of an orator, I would speak my mind every day. I would say everything that's on my mind without a pen. I would become some sort of something great; a politician, a president. But that's beyond the point; when I speak out loud, I can't just take my words and delete them. I have to live with whatever I've said, no matter how horrible it was. And if it's too horrible for me to say out loud? Don't say it.

Which, I guess is where people find safety and solice in blogging and the internet. It's the new diary; you write everything out. But the difference is that everyone that knows that it exists can see it, and it's public. You are writing your thoughts and feelings out to the public, which is much like speaking out loud.

So everyone can read what your saying. If it bothers you that they're seeing something ugly about you, I don't understand why you'd post it in the first place. I've only ever deleted one blog entry, and I feel stupid for doing so, because it was how I felt. And who cares if someone threatens me with cyber bullying? Someone would be able to read everything that I said and determine that for themselves. They can read my blog and determine my personality for themselves, and if they don't like my raw, uncensored feelings, then fine. But I'm not going to delete anything. If I deleted all of the posts that I wrote about Chance upsetting me, my blog wouldn't exist anymore. If I deleted the stuff about Basia, and the stuff about Shannon, and the stuff about Stefani, and the post about Kristin, and the stuff about my mom, I would have no blog left. All of my feelings would be gone; deleted and thrown into some firepit of the world wide web, where no one - not even me - will ever see it again.

And that feels worse than feeling like an asshole.

People delete their blog entries for superficial reasons; "it made me look childish," "I saw that I was wrong and I don't want to be wrong," "I don't want anyone to know how mean I really am;" things deleted for those reasons are just so superficial and stupid that it gets under my skin. It makes me ask the question, "Why would you delete something personal after you post it? Why not just not post it? And if you do post it, are you so fake that you can't stomach the thought of being what you really are?"

This isn't directed to anyone in particular, though it may seem like it is. I just woke up this morning and thought about it. So, uh, off to another day?

Analyzing the Relationship Between Lucian's Existance and My Own

2011-06-03T07:45:00.002-04:00

LOL Doesn't that sound really, really intelligent?

But I've really been thinking about it a lot lately; where did Lucian come from? He went from being the bad guy, whose name and personality was supposed to remind people of Lucifer, (which, in a sense, it still could,) but I feel like he's evolved into a lot more lately. Well, for those of you who know jack about my writing know that he has. There's a reason for everything that he does, and he's driven by pain and a virtually dead-end hope that life changes and gets better. He lives to serve, aims to please, and if he doesn't have someone or something to live for, he spirals out of control and loses himself, be it to drugs or sex or suicide attempts. He's naturally compassionate, but hindered by his Anhedonia; while he cares about the well being of certain people, his empathy and his true compassion lacks, and when he does care about the well-being of someone, he casts aside the value for human life to protect that person. He can come off as cold, and he's manipulative; he's good with written word, but he can never seem to find a voice of his own; he hates people, but requires company to function; he's a murderer, and he finds nothing wrong with the fact that he's ended the lives of others, but he wishes he'd been locked up for the rest of his life.

When did Lucian actually start becoming more and more formed? Where was that in my life, and what was I thinking/feeling? I can't remember. But there are qualities in him, (as there are in any and all of my characters,) that ressemble me. What was going on that had such an influence on me that I created him, and how did I know that I'd need him as a coping mechanism later on? Did I know, and does using him as a coping mechanism make me insane?

No.

That's what I heard, in that raspy, quiet voice, when I asked myself that question:

No, Lena, it doesn't make you crazy.

It makes you a writer.

Maybe that's just my subconscious, and maybe I just use his voice cause. Uh. I want to? I don't know. But I'm starting to think that Lucian came about so that my soul could sooth itself when it needed to.

"I'm getting fat. Maybe I should skip lunch..."

Lena, shut up. You're hungry, and your gonna eat, cause you're not fat. You're curvy in the hips, but lookit you. You're not fat. And besides, Chance likes you just fine.

"I am really, really lonely."

We're all lonely at some point. It'll be okay; I promise.

"What should I do? I don't know what to do... I am so fucking stupid."

Calm down. You're a smart girl; you'll figure it out yourself.

"My friends are disappearing, and I feel like I've got no one anymore. I feel alone even when I'm with them."

Well, you're not alone. I'm right here. You don't even have to talk out loud to talk to me, and I'm always right here. And besides, they're not disappearing. They're still alive, aren't they? They don't really disappear until they die. I bet they don't even realize that there's this distance. Socially retarded, that's what you are. But it's okay. It's who you are.

Maybe I am going crazy. Maybe I've always been crazy. But I think Lucian developed so that I would have something/someone out there - someone that's not Chance - that won't and really can't leave me. That'll give me advice from my own subconscious. That'll tell me - in a voice that's not my own - that I am worth something in this world. Not that there aren't people on the outside telling me that, but it feels... empowering, to be able to hear it whenever I need to without begging or explaining myself.

If that's crazy, then I don't wanna be sane.

***

Uuuh. On a more secular note, Zoe has lice XDD

KARMA IS A BITCH, YOU... well, you bitch.

But nah, I feel bad for her. I remember when I had lice coming back from Cassie's, and it's the worst shit ever. And she's gonna miss school today, too, which isn't good this late in the game anyway.

SPEAKING OF! I haven't missed school since February! Which makes me happy.

Uuuuhm, what else?

Is there anything else?

Mm. Nope. I think everything's been touched on, for now. I needed a new blog entry, anyway XD

I'm Realizing Those Nasty Posts Were Directed Towards Me, And~!

2011-05-17T07:42:00.004-04:00

"Haha wow!"

Is all that I have to say in response.

Or, maybe, "Again? People can't say shit to my face? Okay~?"

Or, possibly!

"Are you really being serious right now?"

Or, I could really say, "You think you've grown up because you're eighteen, but you really haven't. I don't say anything bad about you; I only say good. And if I say bad, it's followed by, "I know that you're better than this shit and I don't understand, but you won't talk to me so I can't understand." And if you really, really think that posting nasty blog entries is going to make me angry, or piss me off, or think "Wow, you really are smarter than I ever thought you were," it's not. Because I always knew you were smart. Always knew you should rise above the rest, cause that's just how you are and who you are and I've never expected any less but greatness. But you're spiraling down a path that's not full of greatness, and I am disappointed in you because of that. You are taking the easy way out of this adult life that you've survived through, but I definitely don't spite you or think less of you. I pity you.

"I pity you for thinking that this is the mature way to live your life, and I pity you for being so blinded by what's got hold of you that you don't see the truth. I pity you for thinking that I am "fake," because I'm not, and I pity you for being unable to IM me when you get online and tell me that stuff yourself, as opposed to posting it elsewhere maliciously.

"This time last year, someone else did it to me, too; don't you remember? You gotta remember how upset I was and how much I cried over it, but surprisingly, there's no tearshed today, and I've known you the longest out of anyone that I speak to right now. But there's no tearshed because I figure, you want the drama? You can have it, but I just won't be emotionally attached to it. You want drama that doesn't really even exist in my world? Fine. Know this, though: your drama doesn't really exist on this side of the world.

"And know this, as well: Just because I told someone that they should wait to date you until your mental stuff blows over, doesn't mean that I'm spiteful or that I hate you. It was out of love for both of you, and the hopes for a real, good relationship between the two of you in the future. Anything right now would ruin your friendship down the road, and I would hate to see that happen. Why? Because I love you, even though you're really not even the you that I've known and loved for all these years, that you is still hiding somewhere, and I'm holding out for the day that she comes back.

"I've bit my tongue for many a months, and I'm sorry that you feel that I don't care, or that I'm a "flip-flop," or whatever. But the truth is, if you asked me how I felt, I would tell you myself. But you don't ask. No one asks me how I feel, and I guess I'm going to have to lump you with the people that don't really give a shit about me.

"Which is a damn shame. Thought you did. Guess I was wrong, though. Wouldn't be the first time that I was wrong about a person in my life, and it won't be the last."

But that's more than you deserve right now.

That's more than a coward who won't speak to me deserves.

Maybe I'll tell you all that later, but for right now, you don't deserve my thoughts.

I Was, Originally,

2011-05-03T07:40:00.002-04:00

going to post something about my mother, and how much she pissed me off, but now I'm feeling thoughtful, so this if gonna turn into one of those blogs. Those blogs where I just sit and think and sort through my feelings, because as of late, I have been holding everything in.

What am I?

That question has been flowing through my mind a lot lately, and indirectly, the answer has been flowing through Rebecca with every single step, every single day, every single embrace and kiss. What am I? What is my sexuality at this point in my life? Because the reality of this situation is: I am in love with a man. A man that is stuck in a woman's body, but a man nonetheless. And the other reality of this situation is: If he wasn't stuck in a woman's body, we would not be here. That is the reality. But we are here. We are here, and everything is in the light.

Should I feel different? The answer when people look at me is, "Yeah, Lena, you should; you're a lesbian." But when I lay awake in bed and I think about it at night, I don't feel any different. I see Rebecca, (and do I even associate that as a female name anymore? I don't think so. It feels male on my tongue, and so if I hurt you by using the name, I'm so sorry. I've been trying so hard, but I don't know what you want me to call you. Does it make you feel better that I don't consider the name female anymore? Maybe. I don't know. I look at females, though, with the name Rebecca and I go, "Wut? What are you talking about?" (Sorry to get off track,)) and I think. I imagine what I would do if surgeries were gone through. Chest reconstructive? No problem. Look at how happy you are with the binder. I fell in love with that happiness and confidence, didn't I? And besides, the only problem I have with the binder is that I can't feel your skin. So what about the hair that would grow? Pf. You are already hairy. A little more hair isn't going to make me feel any less about you. And what if surgeries went all the way? I could do it for you. I think about it all the time, and I know in my heart I could stay through it for you. I already think about it and parts of our future have changed; when people ask me about who I'm with, I already have myself used to saying, "This is my husband." in my future. How could I not be okay if I am already okay with what may or may not come in the future? What about the change in name? It's scary. It scares me. But I didn't fall in love with a name. That'll be harder than everything else, but I can adjust. You're more important to me than your name is.

They say that love knows no bounds, and I didn't understand what that meant for the longest time. How could you love someone outside of what you wanted and expected? But from day one, Rebecca has been proving me wrong. From day one, everything has been different from what I expected and different from what I thought I needed. I think I need to be left alone? Wrong, you need someone to be in your face and asking you what's wrong and helping you. I think that I don't really need anything? Wrong. You are human like everyone else, and you do need things, especially companionship. I expect someone to show up at a certain time or I assume that they're not coming at all? Wrong again; you can be patient, and I may be a little late, but I am coming for you. Please, just wait. So everything that I expected out of love as a child is wrong in this scenerio, but is that a bad thing? I don't think so. I like to think that love is everything that Rebecca has taught me that it is. I like to think that I am human, and that I have things that I need.

What I need is Rebecca, by that name or any other. By the physical gender or the emotional and mental gender. A rose by any other name or color is just as sweet, and damn it, I'm selfish. I'm not going to give up the brightest, best rosebud in the garden just because it has changed colors. Besides, the rose is simply blooming; it was always this color, on the inside, and I knew it all along.

So I guess we go back to the initial quetion: What am I?

I am a lover. I am in love. I am with the most amazing person in the world. I do not want to give any of that up. Sure, none of those things answer my question of "What am I," but do I need that question answered, in all honesty? Or is it just a superficial question that means absolutely nothing in the end, as long as we find the person that we want to spend the rest of our lives with? Do people who stick to those superficial labels end up unhappy because they were unwiling to search outside of it and find love? Are those people the kinds of people that would give up this amazing love that I have because of those labels? Am I that kind of person?

To the last question, it is safe to say that I am not that kind of person. To the others, I can't say that I know. But I feel in my heart that labels are insignificant. So, to my love, I want you to forget the "I'm a lesbian" statement. That label doesn't fit. But neither does, "I'm bisexual," or "I'm straight." So the label that I want you to imagine with me for a moment is this one:

"I am in love. And I am free."

I like that one a lot better.

I Wouldn't Be Surprised if No One Read This Anymore...

2011-03-07T20:46:00.003-05:00

So I guess that's why I feel comfortable sayin what I'm about to say right now.

Lately, everytime my quote-unquote "friends" tells me that they're a good friend of mine,

or that they care about me,

or that they're better than the friends that treated me like shit,

or that they're glad to have me around,

that they appreciate me,

that they love me,

that they miss me,

or anything like that,

I don't believe them.

Sorry, but I don't. I don't believe for one second that they do any of the above. My thoughts don't matter to them, nor do my feelings; they keep me out of the loop and they avoid me; they act like I don't exist; they get mad when I don't notice little things but don't notice major things that I do; they don't notice me at all. I'm invisible enough at home, and yet the people that call me their friends don't even take notice of me.

Until, of course, they need something from me.

Like advice, or companionship because no one else is around, or money, or food, or comfort, or anything else. Then people pay attention to me. But otherwise, I sit down in a corner and shut up, because they've left me out to the point where I can't even follow a goddamned conversation. So every time they claim to be "good friends," I want to scream, "To who?" every single time. Cause last time I checked, that's not the way it's supposed to be.

There are acceptions, naturally, but the majority lean that way.

I~!

2011-02-12T19:32:00.002-05:00

just realized that I am not good at much of anything.
Kinda makes me sad, but then I think about it and I'm like, "Well, pff, no duh, Lena!"
I~ dunno XD
I'm bored.

2011-01-31T18:42:00.002-05:00

I hate the way that sobs feel when they're locked in the back of your throat, forming - instead - in the form of silent tears. It feels like an intense heat. It feels like vomit. It feels like there's only one way to make it go away that doesn't involve sobbing. It feels like disappointment. I've been feeling a lot of disappointment lately. In my friends, in my family, in plans that have failed. I thought this week would be better, but it hasn't been starting out much better than last week did. Instead, it's actually started out worse. So I guess I get two sucky weeks in a row. I'll pull through it, though. I always manage to.

Yaaay~!

2011-01-20T07:57:00.003-05:00

Okay, though I said yay, this isn't necessarily a good thing. I can type my thoughts and feelings better than I can say them. "Yay" is more or less the phrase that I use when I need to say something but I don't want to say it, and therefore I pretend that it doesn't bother me when - in all actuality - it does.

Let's start by discussing my biggest fear: abandonment.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Lena's biggest fear in the whole wide word is abandonment. I am so afraid of people forgetting about me and leaving me behind that I freeze up and cry when the thought strikes me. I can't handle it. I can't handle being left alone in a store, or left out in conversations, or forgotten when it comes to stupid things like mom getting everyone else a drink but me, because in my mind, it's one step closer to completely forgetting about me and abandoning me. Everyone does it at one point or another; everyone abandons someone or is abandoned. But it scares me like no one's business. In groups of three or four, I'm typically the odd one out. I'm the one that doesn't particularly like everything that everyone else does, and so while everyone else talks about something I know nothing about, I sit there and do nothing and try to listen, but completely lose interest. I'm typically the one that gets left out of secrets and inside jokes, and who wants to hear and wants to listen but - for some reason - gets shoved aside for other people, leaving me with virtually nothing.

And it's not always that way. But typically, it does happen. I'm not a social creature at heart; I try to be, to make my friends happy, but I'm just not. I prefer one-on-one time with people over group activities any day. There's not too much that I have in common with people, anyway. I don't expect anything to change because I need to face that I'm what needs changing. I need to find comfort in being lonely. I can handle being alone, but I can't handle being lonely. If I had a dollar for every single time that I sat in a group of people and said, "I wish I was just alone; I wouldn't be so lonely if I was alone," I would be rich.

When I do get friends that don't do that to me, they ultimately start dating.

Which ultimately leads to me getting left out even more than I typically do to myself.

Which ultimately leads to me pushing them aside so that I can be alone instead of lonely.

Which ultimately leads to the Jessie situation happening again, where people become angry or annoyed with me because I don't want to be around people who are just going to leave me out.

Which ultimately leads to me getting the aloneness that I needed, but loneliness that I didn't want.

Which feels like abandonment.

Which is my biggest fear.

That's all.

I needed to put up a new blog entry, anyway.

Christmas in the Winget-Ruotolo Household,

2010-12-24T23:14:00.003-05:00

is ruined.

I had a little bit of Christmas spirit, and then my mom snuffed it out by reminding me how unappreciated and used and overlooked I really am. Nothing I ever do is right, every step I take and move I make is wrong, and I think that this family can suck it.

I've had enough of these people.

I hope everyone else has a better Christmas than mine is turning out to be.

Writing the Christmas Poems I Need to Write,

2010-12-17T10:38:00.001-05:00

Is hard -___-
I don't know how to say what I wanna say.
I'm going to write~
I don't know whose I'm gonna write first. FFFFF>

If I Could Be Paid

2010-12-12T14:56:00.002-05:00

at least twenty-five cents for every single time that I have sat and begged my mom to not leave me alone, to not make me do something without her, to have her come and do something with me because I didn't want to do it alone, I would be rich. If I was paid for every single time that she made me do it by myself, I would be twice as rich. And yet Zoe gives her a look and mom bends to her will, refusing to make Zoe go anything alone, when I've sat and BEGGED her not to leave me all by myself and she has, anyway. It doesn't make any sense, it hurts my feelings, but she doesn't give a FUCK.

I was naive enough to think that writing that stupid letter would have any difference,
BUT IT DID NOTHING AT ALL.
FUCK HER.
Fuck her.

I Am,

2010-12-07T08:00:00.000-05:00

Going to use this Starbucks time to write those letters to everyone.

Something New to Rant About!

2010-11-01T07:31:00.002-04:00

Followers of my blog, rejoice, for my rantings this morning are not on something that I have previously covered. In fact it's on something that was rather forced upon me; something I've had to accept talking to Rebecca about but keeping to myself otherwise. But I don't like keeping that shit inside, cause it murders me on the inside. So, I'm going to discuss it here.

Cause I love you guys and you love me :D
At least, I hope you love me if you're reading this XDDD

Here we go.

I have a friend.

She has a girlfriend.

Her girlfriend is pretty, on the outside.

On the inside, however, my friend's girlfriend is one of the ugliest people that I've ever met. She makes jokes out of the insecurities of others, she has to be the center of attention all the time, she thinks it's funny to shove a shopping cart in the back of Jonathan's leg, and the likes. I don't like her, Rebecca doesn't like her, I don't think Jonathan is too fond of her, and in all honesty, I don't think my FRIEND even likes her much as a person. Maybe she's nicer to my friend than she is to everyone else, and I'll give her that; I come off pretty stand-offish to Rebecca's friends when I first meet them. But as I spend more time with them, I open up. If this is my friend's girlfriend opening up, I can't see what my friend sees in her. And maybe I'm saying this because every time she and I have a conversation, she calls me fat. Maybe that's why I don't like her, and maybe I'm biased. But she's not nice, to ANY of us, and I'm sure my friend isn't blind to it. I know she's not blind to it, and if she is it's because she doesn't want to see that her girlfriend is just ugly. Or maybe she just likes having a girlfriend, so she can turn a blind eye to it. But I know she's not stupid, so I know she knows it's going on. And if she doesn't, either she's silly or her girlfriend is really, really sneaky about it.

And I've heard that my friend's girlfriend was abusive to her last girlfriend, but I've been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. But one more fat comment or one more degrading comment towards anyone else and I'm gonna go crazy. I'm so serious right now.

I~

2010-10-18T23:21:00.001-04:00

don't think anyone truly understands how upset that face and voice makes me XDD
I really don't.

So, Here's the Deal,

2010-10-03T09:34:00.002-04:00

While school still depresses me, everything else doesn't XDD

The last entry made it seem like things are all bad, but they're really not. I'm meeting new people, I'm smiling and laughing a little more, I'm actually DOING things on Saturdays instead of sitting around my house all alone wishing that I wasn't such a loser, and life is pretty great. I just have to catch up on my school work, and then everything will be okay.

***

My head hurts XDDD

I'm still sick, and my pediatrician is insisting that it's anxiety related. He wants me to go back to therapy. Mom's already called to make the appointment, so there's no going back now. Which, if it was Miss Lynne instead of Mrs. Kathy, it wouldn't be as upsetting. But they want me to the psychiatrist, which means Kathy, so if I'm crying at school on some days don't be surprised. This woman will push all of my buttons and then some XD And typically, I have to go to school afterwards. It shall be (not so) great fun XDD
***

Okay, so Rebecca and I are doing really, really, REALLY good right now. It is nothing compared to this time last year, and that makes me happy XD

September 30, I was freaking out. No lie XD

BUT it's October~! 3rd? -checks the date- Yeah, it's the third, and things are still going strong. Soooo~ that's something to be happy about, too :3

***

UUUUM WHAT ELSE.

I gotta go shopping for stuff to make my Epseon cosplay today

Gotta take pictures. Maybe dad'll model for me, maybe I'll just do scenery. Who knows?

uuhhhhh Gotta finish my weaving for Fabrics & Fibers.

Gotta get all my assignments for this weekend DONE.

fffffffffffffff- Uh, gotta~~WRITE. I thought of a good line for my latest character to say: "I'm probably more like a cat in that sense; it's a privilege to pet a cat. It's a privilege to quote-unquote "pet" me."

EXPcon Saturday,

And then I have no more plans XDDD

***

That's it, I think XDDD
I'mma start centering my blog posts =w=

Anyway!

Have a nice day, everyone!! It's sunny and beautiful, so enjoy it!

y'know,

2010-09-20T19:51:00.004-04:00

I spend more time curled up in a ball thinking, "Lena, no one thinks about you, no one cares about you, so just sit here and suffer" than I do thinking about anything. I mean, I hate school. I hate being home. I just hate being everywhere that I have to be. And there's nothing I can do about it. XD

I either need sleep or help.
I'm hoping I need sleep XDD I haven't been getting much of it.

TESTING, TESTING, ONE TWO THREE

2010-09-19T20:01:00.002-04:00

one day i get lots of love and the next i get ignored. doesn't feel very nice. just sayin.

I~ have had a lot of testing going on lately =__=
I don't like it, but I like the headaches even less. So, I guess it's necessary. I had an MRI on Wednesday, an EEG on Friday, and sleeping tests last night through this afternoon. Two out of three of those tests, they left gunk in my hair. It has not been fun. Not fun at all.

YESTERDAY WAS FUN, THOUGH =w=
Well, not the tests, but yesterday itself was fun XDD

...

2010-09-01T22:14:00.000-04:00

Everythings got me down TT^TT
Blah.
Good day, but as I got tireder I got in a worse mood

Dear You,

2010-08-27T22:31:00.003-04:00

NOW I remember why I'm not friends with you, and why I didn't want to make amends! Why can't you just fucking LET GO without COMPLAINING?! What is your problem?! Whatever it is, you need to get over it, and you need to get over it within the next dozen or so hours, because this is really pathetic and really childish. And it's getting on my nerves not because you just can't drop it, (because honestly, I wouldn't even be THINKING about it if you weren't making a fuss,) but because it's affecting other people, and I can't fix it because you're not willing to let what's done be done and over with. It's infuriating, it's aggrivating, it's childish, and frankly, it's downright bitchy and selfish. If you want to rotate yourself around drama, fine, but don't use me to make that drama happen.

Cause y'know what?

I really don't care about you.

I don't care about you enough to hate you.

I don't even care enough about you to look twice at you.

But I DO care about Stefani.

And I DO care about the fact that you're letting something that she's not even a part of hurt her. It's not fair. It's not fair that no matter how many times I say that it's going to be okay, she insists that it's not. And it's not ME saying that it's not going to be okay. And she's not so pessimistic that if I promised that it was going to be okay that she wouldn't believe me, at least a little bit. So it's got to come from somewhere.

But I'm done entertaining the thought of you anymore. What needs to be grasped: I don't care about you. Not one little bit. But you pulled her into it, and that's not fair. It's really not. So I care about the fact that she's upset over this little grudge you seem to have held on to. And I'm pissed off that you can't let it go for her sake.

But whatever. That's what you'll do and while I wanna grab you by your shoulders and shake you and tell you to stop, I can't.

With as Little Hate as Humanly Possible,

Lena

***

OKAY

With that OUT OF THE WAY, I am going to actually blog. Though I'm not sure about what.

I had some bus drama, but I've talked about that enough lately XDDD

Um~
I have a bladder infection? XDD Does that count?

It hurt so bad that I missed school yesterday, by my mom's command, and Rebecca stopped by to visit me and make me feel better =w= And then my dad invited me down to his house to see the new flooring and to eat lunch and watch a movie.

Um,

Yeah XDD

I guess that's it x3

OMG

2010-08-22T18:38:00.002-04:00

The slip-n-slide killed me XDD

I Am Going to Explain

2010-08-21T21:49:00.002-04:00

... just why I always feel like I'm in the way.

And it's very, very simple:

I have been trained, since I was little, that if someone I love has friends around, that I need to disappear. By my mom, my dad, my mamaw, my aunt, my uncle. Everyone in my family has taught me that if they have friends or aquaintences around, that I should disappear into the shadows and shut up and stay away.

And it's imprinted in my brain.

Just like every other thing that people force me to do, it only takes once for a rule to stick. "Don't talk to me when I have friends; you're getting in the way". "Leave me alone when I'm sleeping, whether you need me or not". "Don't hug me unless you absolutely need a hug, and even then I probably won't give you one". "Don't tell me about how you feel; I'll just yell at you and tell you how wrong you are, or I'll send you to therapy and try to make you believe just how wrong you are". "Don't involve yourself in conversations unless someone directly speak to you; otherwise, you're not being social, you're being rude". "Don't cry when you're in front of people, because no one's going to comfort you". "Don't tell anyone what you think, especially if it's seperate from what they think". My mom and dad have branded those thoughts into my head, into my brain, in my mind, in my heart, since I was a little girl. And punishment for breaking away from this protocol is always immediate; I just tried to talk to my mom about how I thought she was being too easy on Zoe and that Zoe thought that she could get whatever she wanted from mom, and my mom rolled her eyes and gave me her infamous, "shut-up-or-I'll-scream-at-you" look, so I retreated to my room.

So that's why I always feel like I'm in the way or a bother. Because for forever, I always have been in the way or a bother.

So that's why, just so you know ^_^

Aaaaaaaaaaah~

2010-08-14T22:21:00.002-04:00

The lying gets a little tiring XDDD
I wish people wouldn't lie to me XD
But it happens ^_^ It's just a part of life.
**
Going unnoticed is tiring, too.

Okay, So

2010-08-12T13:46:00.002-04:00

The time where there is no time for Lena starts today.

There's not really time to text me either, apparently XD

And I'm stuck in a house with a little sister who is constantly picking on me and calling me fat, ugly, stupid, retarded, a bitch, and telling me that no one likes me. And the longer I sit here in this goddamned house, the more I start to believe her. I need a bike. I would get on it and ride off and not come back until the sun sets. I'm serious, yo. I would leave in the morning every day and I wouldn't come back until the sun was coming down. Cause being home is just ridiculous. It's really, really weird that people say they're my friend, but only like, two people ever come over or text me or hang out with me. And even when they do, it's rare.

Zoe must be right. There's nothing else I can think of. I must be all of those things to deserve sitting around here alone all the time. And when someone DOES want to do something, mom makes sure I'm stuck here taking care of Nic while she and Zoe go to the studio. And when I'm forced to go with her to the studio, I sit in a corner by myself and draw and listen to my mp3 player and wait for texts that never come to keep me company.

I enjoy my alone time, but the past week has been too much alone time.

And Cassie was supposed to be in town this week, but she never texted me, so I didn't get to see her. So my best friend since middle school doesn't even want to hang out with me, it seems like XDDD Oh well.

I'll get over it. I always do ^_^

I feel better now that I've written this XDD

Has Felt,

2010-08-09T14:16:00.003-04:00

very very rejected as of late.
I'm always the last person invited to do anything, or I don't get invited at all,
My mom went to Texas for four days and called me once,
People always cancel plans with me or my mom makes it so I can't do anything,
and I just feel all blah and it's like no one can help me.

Passed Mah Permit Test

2010-08-09T00:48:00.002-04:00

YAAAAAAAAAAAY :3
Buuuut
Bein upset kinda ruined the joy that I would otherwise feel XDDD
SO hopefully I will be happy and excited by tomorrow.
***
P.S. There is no time for me XD

Okay,

2010-08-07T21:21:00.002-04:00

Someone needs to be able to set aside time to spend with me, and they need to do it fast XDDDD School's gonna be starting soon which means I won't get to do anything and I've been feeling really alone this weekend XD

***

Uuuuuuuum~
I'm really, really bored.

And I just wanna curl up and sleep, but I'm not tired XDD

And I'm not upset, so I can't just like, go to bed XDD

Okay, Lena,

2010-08-03T20:58:00.002-04:00

it's time to talk.

The thing that had me off, is that lately I feel like, outta-sight-outta-mind. And I feel like when she's not looking at me, she's not thinking about me, and it makes me go "blah". I don't know. It hurts and I know it's probably not true, but... I don't know. That's just how I feel as of late. And I think about her all the time, and it just makes me even more sad that she doesn't seem to think of me when she can't see me and it makes me go "oh".

I dunno.

I say that a lot when I don't know what to say to convey how I'm feeling XDD But that just about wraps it up for ya :3

No One,

2010-07-29T22:20:00.001-04:00

Reads this anymore XDD

Well,

2010-07-28T22:44:00.001-04:00

I'd RATHER hang out with you, but this week is lookin like that's not happening XDD

Let's Tap Into What's Gotcha So Meh, Lena

2010-07-27T14:32:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if there's like, something wrong with me that makes people not wanna spend one-on-one time with me. And I'm sure that's not how it really is, but sometimes I just feel like that. I could plan for about a month to do something one-on-one with someone, but they still either invite other people or other people just show up. The last time I planned to do something with just one person and it turned out that way, it was last time I went to Stefani's house XDD

I don't know, I'm just the kind of person where one-on-one time means a lot to me, and it makes me all meh that that never seems to happen anymore. I guess that's the real world; sharing the time that you want to spend with individuals with a group, but I can still sulk a little bit about it, right? XDD
Right.

Sulking is something I'm allowed to do. I'm human, after all.

Sooo~

That's an insecurity of mine; that people just don't like me and can't stand the thought of being stuck alone with me.

That's it :3

I'm in a decent mood, I just thought I'd talk about that since no one's talkin to me right now and I'm just sittin here by myself and I just finished cleaning my room XDD

I~

2010-07-25T16:26:00.002-04:00

Just quit the male Effmeh.
It was starting to rp on the site because I felt like I needed to because Lucian and Elliot always got thrown into subplots, and so I couldn't afford to miss anything.
I'll miss it, yeah, but I'm not gonna miss it to the point of getting back on. I'm completely done with it.

I

2010-07-23T15:21:00.002-04:00

Am very frustrated and upset right now.

Just Entered,

2010-07-23T12:51:00.001-04:00

FirstLineFiction for the second time, and I think that this entry is better than the last, honestly. Four days until judging, so we'll see XDD

I Am,

2010-07-22T22:26:00.001-04:00

Not as excited for Metrocon anymore -_-
And I don't wanna talk about why.
***
I wanna punch the person in charge of my unexcitedness in the face.
I don't even know if I wanna go anymore. Blah.

METROCON!!

2010-07-22T11:37:00.001-04:00

Rebecca and I are going on SATURDAY.
I'm pretty stoked XDDD
But I have to be a slave for the next 48 hrs, and I have to hardcore clean my room. I don't mind the cleaning my room part; it needs it. But I won't be on the computer a lot today XDD
Kathryn from Effmeh is going to College orientation, so she won't be on Effmeh which means that I won't have much to do online until she gets back, anyway XDDD
Everyone that wants to talk to me today should text me =w=
Okay.
I am off to go potty and then start this XDD

"I'll Talk To You Tomorrow"

2010-07-17T11:55:00.000-04:00

makes me sad.
So does "I'm busy"
So does randomly signing off when I'm trying to type something.
If you don't wanna talk to me, then just say it :/

So Zoe,

2010-07-11T13:24:00.001-04:00

barged into the bathroom this morning without knocking while I was going to the bathroom, and then started being bitchy because she wanted her make-up and that gives her a license to be a bitch, apparently, so you know what I did when I was done going to the bathroom?
I hid her make-up bag XDD
And now she's storming around the house looking for it. It's payback :3

I Kinda Of,

2010-07-10T11:50:00.002-04:00

wanted to stay off of the computer all day when I woke up this morning XDD

I was gonna go lay on the couch and watch TV and just not move today, and that was my goal, but Zoe has claimed the couch. So I had to come back and I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't sleep and there's nothing else in my room for me to do but be on the computer XDD

My feelings are still hurt from last night, but not as much. It doesn't matter, anyway ^_^

Uuum.

I don't wanna get on Effmeh, but that's looking unavoidable.

Words

2010-07-08T17:30:00.002-04:00

Words are really some powerful shit XDD
I don't know why I randomly thought about that.

A friend of mine has finally started growing and learning what love isn't and realizing that she hasn't felt love before and that she's confused a lot of things with it, and I'm really, really proud of her. I can't express it in words. I always worry about her; knowing that she's going to hurt herself if she keeps thinking that lust and companionship are love. I like that she's slowing down now and taking the time to analyze how she's really feeling; that's gonna lead her to something meaningful and hopefully close to home.

I'm thinking about setting up a round latern in my room with a candle just for the sole purpose of relaxation. I'll have to wait till mom's not home to set it up, though, cause she wouldn't approve XDD I'm thinking about really and truly cleaning my room and maybe moving some things around and getting rid of some things. Do I really need all of this shit, y'know? XDD I went for a walk today and every time I go for a walk I need to do something afterwards. Maybe I'll clean my closet OoO

Nah, I don't wanna die XDD I'll just get rid of some shit. Eh, wait, maybe it would do me some good to clean out the closet. I'm thinkin I'm gonna do that. -deep breath in and out- You can do it, Lena XDD

All right, if I wanna do that and go to bed at a decent time, I'm thinkin I need to start now.

Maybe I'll find my film camera XDD I really wanted to take pictures with it cauyse I found some film the other day, but I couldn't find Riley!!

I'll still be on the internet :3

Post 300!!

2010-07-07T11:07:00.002-04:00

I don't really have a lot to say, but I wanted to get post 300 out of the way because 299 is bothering me XDDD I think that numbers that end in zero and five are prettier XDDD Well, up until we get into the hundreds. Then it's only pretty when it's got a zero at the end; screw the tens place XDD

I guess I could write about something Rebecca and I were talking about, because this is my blog and honestly, I feel like I need to talk about it. I think that it's funny that people that I don't talk to are still trying to prove points to me. It's like my old theory; people spend an equal amount of time thinking about people they hate as they do thinking about people they love. And if people want to waste their time hating me, fine. Cool. Whatever, right? I feel bad that the person in particular is wasting her time proving points to me that I could care less about, but whatever. If she thinks that I care, then I'll let her live in that childish fantasy. I'm not gonna say anything. But I just felt that it should be known that, well, I really DON'T care. The proper phrase would be I don't give two shakes about it. Actually, the proper phrase would be that I haven't given a fuck since school got out. I really haven't. And I will continue to not give a fuck, because I can't be nice to everyone all the time and if people want to pretend that things that they do will prove any point to me, then fine. Try to teach me a lesson. I'll sleep during the lecture.

***

I saw Rebecca yesterdaaaay~

She came over and hung out until nine (uh oh!) even though she was supposed to leave at eight (double uh oh!) XDDD Seeing her makes my day. Days can be normal, but days that I see her are just awesome :D

I made this little NeverShoutNever thing to I Love You 5 and I showed it to her, and I think she liked it XDD I liked it XDD

All right, I'm done :D

Happy 300!!!

So Last Night,

2010-07-05T08:42:00.002-04:00

or rather all of yesterday, was really, really fun ^_^
I was kinda skeptical when I found out Georgia and Blue were coming with us to the movies, but it turned out to be a good thing ^_^ They're fun, and I like them. Though I don't like Blue sayin she's got a crush on Rebecca XDD Just kidding. (sort of). But first we went to the mall and then to see Avatar: The Last Airbender. It was a good movie, but it was~ weird. They left out some crucial things, but they covered up their tracks well. If that makes any sense. Then dropped Georgia and Blue off, and we went to the fireworks, and then home ^_^
Not that there wasn't anything between fireworks and home, buuuuut :D
Lena, out! :3

I Just Brought Up,

2010-07-01T12:07:00.003-04:00

some of my own painful memories.

One memory I've tried to keep buried in the back of my mind, but whenever I think about elementary school, especially fifth grade, this is what I think about:

There was a year where I told my mom that I didn't want to invite everyone from Encore because I didn't feel like they were really my friends and I didn't want to spend my birthday with people who weren't my friends. My arguement was literally that they never invited me to their birthday parties, but I always had to invite them to mine, and I was really, really tired of it. My mom's exact words to me were:

"It makes me look bad if you only invite some people. You need to suck it up and invite everyone."

So guess how I spent my eleventh birthday?

Alone, with just Julia and Jessie and I think Mallory and occasionally Alyssa if she felt like making me feel better, playing with Barbies in my room and crying because I felt so alone, even in that little group.

That memory is secretly why I've always been afraid of my birthday. For most of my life, it was a political event, where mom invited everyone that she needed to look good for to intrude on the day that was supposed to be special for me. It was never my day. And you know what made it worse?

When I got out of Elementary school, my mom stopped having parties for me, but kept having them for Zoe. I'm not stupid; I put two and two together and it was that my birthday wasn't important because there was no one for my mom to invite politically. I imagine my dad reading this entry and trying to get mad at mom because of my pent up emotions, and to that I would say: my dad saw me suffering and didn't believe that I was suffering, so the pain I experienced in elementary school was just as much something that he can experience the blame for as my mom's teaching job can.

And I think that all leads into why sixth grade sucked so much XDD

It was because I couldn't trust anyone and I felt alone and couldn't bring myself to let people in/

***

I get nervous every single time she reaches out to her XDD

I'm like, "Nononononononononono."

XDD

I Just Spent

2010-07-01T01:14:00.001-04:00

the past 30 minutes messing with the layouts of my blogs and changing my facebook picture because Rebecca went to bed and I wasn't extremely tired yet XDD So I thought that while I was up, I would get some stuff done XDD I kind of like the new layout more than I liked the old one; it suites me and my blog a lot better than the old one did. Oh! And my creative writing blog got a new layout, too! Check it out:

http://www.noxonexcares.blogspot.com

It is makeover central here in Lena Town XDD

***

So, today consisted of:

Icing my knees,

Watching The Maury Show,

Watching Steve Wilkos,

Rebecca coming over,

Rebecca meeting my family,

Going to my dad's,

Roleplaying on Effmeh as Lucian, (who everyone but my dad and Dustin likes XDD,)

Web chatting with Rebecca,

and Giving both of my blogs makeovers.

It was actually a pretty fun day XDD

***

I was gonna talk about a couple of things, but I am falling asleep while typing this. Not literally, but you get the point. So I'm gonna go to bed, and in the morning I'm going to go to the beach and convince my mom to let my dad pick me up Sunday morning so that I can go and watch Fireworks with Rebecca Sunday night. I need to see her as much as I can before I go to Texas ^_^

***

Good~ morning?

Well, I'm going to bed, so good night :3

Universal,

2010-06-30T09:21:00.001-04:00

Was fun yesterday ^o^
Cept for the whole it hurts to walk thing XDD But that's insignificant cause yesterday was super, super fun ^_^

People Need to Understand Something About Me;

2010-06-28T16:48:00.003-04:00

When it comes to animals, this is how I feel:

I believe that animals deserve everything that we have built for ourselves and more, because their ancestors were here before we even started developing into humans, and our advances have destroyed so many animal lives. I'm constantly wondering what makes us so much better when we're destroying the lives of animals. We're all animals. We all share the same type of cells. So what if we're technologically advanced? So what if we're smarter? They were here first. I think it's stupid that we humans think we're more important. I really, really do.

So why can't humans take animals into their home if there's room? That's what I really, really don't get.

I had other stuff to write about, but I'm too happy to bitch right now XDD

"I Don't Want You To Feel Left Out"

2010-06-27T23:17:00.003-04:00

The more my mom says that, the more it pisses me off.
Tonight has been a night of feelin alone XDD
Update: it's 1:30 and I still feel lonely XDD Even though I just got through talking to a whole bunch of people XDD

First:

2010-06-27T14:01:00.002-04:00

I revoke my previous decision due to discussing our misunderstanding XDDD

That's just a funny way of saying I got myself upset so I said that I wasn't gonna kiss her in public anymore even though we all knew that I was gonna fail at that XDD I mean, that would suck.

Okay, second:

Recital was amazing last night :D

It was really, really stressful, because there were little kids that needed to be changed and they had to change in a pause in between the dance that they were just in and the next dance which they had to change costumes for. But they were okay when they weren't misbehaving. The kids that Mrs. Carissa teaches are so loud, and they don't listen to instructions! That, and their dances were barely dances; they were more like looking cute and moving around, because Carisa's not TEACHING them, she's just like, I don't even know. She's letting them run around and dance randomly instead of teaching them technique, and I think it was obvious in her dances.

BUT Fusion went REALLY WELL.

Tap and jazz were the best, I think XDD I had fun with musical theature, too XDD But I felt like I was the only one putting any emotion into it XDD Like, I was popping and isolating in Jazz like we were supposed to and everyone else was flowing like ballerinas. AND ALYSSA AND RAI-CHAN AREN'T EVEN FRIGGIN BALLERINAS. Madeline had an excuse, but the other two didn't. That's okay, though, cause I did awesome XDD

And then Rebecca went to dinner with us afterwards and yeaaaaaaah :3 It made me happy. It was pretty perfect.

MY DAD'S FAMILY CAME O.o

It was really, really weird.

They haven't been to a recital since I was really, really little. Like, I can't even remember them going to a recital. I need to mail Grandma Sonia my "She's a Local" story xDD

Third:

I just wanted to complain about people who complain about being single.

There are a lot of people around me who have been doing that lately. And they're not just complaining about being single. They're complaining about not being able to have exactly what they want. For example, this guy Kyle on Facebook. He's got this crush on Jessie, and he's like, "I like her so much and it sucks because she's got a boyfriend. but I'm gonna get her." And I was like, "Um, NO you're NOT, not while she's happier than she's been in a long time, you're not." And he got upset and started talking about how he was single. So look for something else. Don't complain about being single if you're stuck on someone. It's like, really? "I want to date someone" and "I want to date this person" are two totally different things, and I think that people need to realize the difference in that.

Okay :D

I am done.

I Have Decided,

2010-06-26T11:57:00.003-04:00

to make the conscious decision to not kiss you in public anymore. I don't wanna disrespect you or what you think is right, soooo~ Yeah.
Yay!
That's all. :D

^_^''

2010-06-21T21:33:00.002-04:00

Summer has just started and I've only left the house and hung out with people other than my family ONCE. This is how my summer is turning out. That's... eh. Oh well XDD I'll live X3 I can't expect Rebecca to be able to come over, cause her grandpa died and her family needs her, and my family wants to do stuff, and Jessie's got a boyfriend, so I'll just have to bite my lip and grin and bear it.
Yaaaay :D

I'm Glad

2010-06-21T21:10:00.000-04:00

That this is turnin out to be more for her than I expected it to be. I really, really am. I hope that he stays a good guy.
*
I got a japanese dress and a japanese lunch bag straight outta Tokyo.

Sometimes I Wonder,

2010-06-19T21:32:00.002-04:00

If being a lesbian is becoming a trend, and that some girls just wanna be with girls to get attention. I know one girl who made out with two girls just because some guys dared her to, and she knows a few girls who have made out and "faked" being lesbians to get this guy's attention, and then some girls are asking Zoe to kiss them and kissing each other because guts like them more or some shit like that that I don't bother to understand.

I just hate it.

It's like, girls like that are the reason that none of the guys I know respect that I don't like guys; because girls that happen to wear skirts and dresses like I do or even skinny jeans because people lump me together with the emo stereotype make out with other girls and aren't gay means that my relationship with Rebecca is insignificant and if we break out, I'll want a dick.

Well, oops, I don't.

Something made me think about this XDD

I'm actually in an okay mood X3

My Commentary on "GodHatesFags.com"

2010-06-17T23:27:00.002-04:00

This isn't going to be pleasant.

If you're of the Christian faith, this isn't gonna be something that you want to read. You have been warned now. I won't be attacking all Christians or even the Christian faith, but I will be attacking the hatred that some people express in the name of their so-called "God". You have been warned ^_^

"Thank God for Dead Soldiers"

That's what one of their signs says, and I can't BELIEVE that. That's what urks me the most. I'm not even as upset about the whole "GodHatesFags.com" being the name of the website. I'm upset that they're saying that soldiers that died for them deserved it. "Soldiers die God laughs"? I mean, COME ON. What about soldiers who fought in the Crusades and DIED in the name of God? What about people fighting for the Christian faith? What about the fact that there are wars in the BIBLE that are fought in the name of God?! What about all of that stuff, huh?

But I guess that doesn't matter. They're so busy hating that it's not even important. How can you hate people that fight to save your life? I don't understand that. And how can you say that about people who give their lives for your life?

And then their PREACHINGS.

They're nasty.

They're awful and they're despicable and those people are so hateful that it makes me sad. I don't even have in my heart to hate them. I just... they make me sad. I'm listening to him talk down about gays and I think about all the love that I've got in my heart for Rebecca, and I'm wondering how that can be so wrong. I'm wondering how hating another human being is okay, but how loving someone unconditionally can be so wrong. I just don't understand. I don't understand why some Christians seem to think that it's okay to be hateful and to say hateful things and to do hateful things all in the name of God.

If that man is headed for Heaven, then that's not the kind of Heaven that I'd want to be in.

I mean, seriously! I don't know about anyone else, but I don't WANT to waste my time hating others! If I hate someone, I write it out in a poem and I get rid of the feelings! I don't try to attack the people! And if a life full of hate is what they consider to be a happy life, then I would rahter be as "miserable" as I am right now.

I've said it a million times.

I just CAN'T understand how people can just HATE like that.

"My Children,"

2010-06-17T15:35:00.003-04:00

"Dress in rags."
I'm sorry, DADDY.
Did I not look pretty at the Senior art show?
"I buy all of my children's clothes."
I'm sorry, DADDY,
You don't even go SHOPPING with me. MEG does. And she limits me to one skirt and one shirt, and then brings Mallory along with us so that she can buy her anything that her real daughter wants. So that she can put me in my place. Because that's where my place is; watching the lot of you SPOIL her kids ROTTEN and DEFENDING her children when you could NEVER defend me. My place is listening to the shit that you talk about my mother and biting my tongue.
"My children dress in rags."
You're lucky I don't turn this into a FUCKING POEM and post it EVERYWHERE.
Oh, WAIT.
I just might.
If I look so bad, DADDY,
Why don't you fucking start DOING things for me?

I Had Something to Write About,

2010-06-14T21:40:00.002-04:00

But it just kinda abandoned me XDD
Like, I was gonna talk about something, but I just sort of FORGOT IT,

You Know What Makes Me Sad?

2010-06-13T08:18:00.002-04:00

When I have friends that NEED to be in a relationship to be happy. They'll get themselves SO down that they're clinically depressed just because they're not dating someone and all of their friends are. I don't understand that. I CAN'T understand that, y'know? Cause it's like, I am perfectly content in my own little world when I'm not with someone. I love Rebecca with everything I've got, and I was sad during that time where I couldn't call her mine, but I didn't cry for more than a week before I was able to go around and be happy again. Single is a part of life, and it drives me CRAZY when people think that they HAVE to have a boy/girlfriend.

How are you supposed to live for yourself if you feel the desire to ALWAYS have someone else? Or, that's the way I see it. If you live your life craving the attention and affection of someone else, how the hell can you live for you?

And that's not the worst part, I don't think.

People who want someone so bad that they'll fall for whoever shows interest in them, and changing to fit the other person's criteria. I can't stand that. If you need someone and you don't want to live for yourself and you're content being clinically depressed every time you're single, cool. But don't just like someone because they like you. That's not how you're gonna find the love that you're craving so bad; it's just gonna give you more lonely depressed nights where you bad-mouth the person because they don't want to stay with you.

and Love doesn't come from changing yourself to fit what the other person wants.

Love comes from being who you are and seeing if you mesh with who the other person is.

Incase you couldn't tell, someone has set me off XDD
It shouldn't be anyone who reads my blog X3 If she does, she should know who I'm talking about, cause I've spent many nights comforting her when this shit has gone down, and she's startin to set herself up for heartbreak again.

Graduation,

2010-06-11T09:25:00.000-04:00

Was fun :D

CONGRATULATIONS, EVERYONE
You all looked so beautiful, even the guys, haha. I wish you all nothing but the very, very best. Good luck, and make momma proud, even though I'm not REALLY your momma XDD

...

2010-06-08T16:16:00.000-04:00

Just because you said a couple words doesn't mean that I'm gonna start talking to you again.
As long as that's clear, you can play pretend all you want.
That is all ^-^

I'm Not,

2010-06-07T18:07:00.001-04:00

Gonna get to see you much at all this summer O.o
That makes me uber sad, haha.
Oh well.
You've got important stuff to do XDDD
I'll live, lulz X3

Day One

2010-06-07T06:51:00.001-04:00

Without the Miller Child.
I'm not as upset as I thought I would be ^_^

Today,

2010-05-31T07:23:00.001-04:00

I am goin to St. Augustine.
Text me if you wanna talk ^3^

These Pictures Makes Me UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY,

2010-05-30T20:28:00.002-04:00

It's Morning, So I'mma SING Like a Canary,

2010-05-30T08:55:00.002-04:00

and tell you all about AlternaProm.

But first, I am gonna start by saying that I don't always feel beautiful. Sometimes I feel uglier than anything in the world, and I just can't get out of that mood.

They say that every girl deserves one night to feel beautiful and loved, like Cinderella.

Last night was my night.

Every time she put her hands on me, every time she smiled and me, every time she sang with me and danced with me and told me that she loved me, I felt beautiful and I felt sexy and she was beautiful and sexy and I didn't want to be with anyone else, and I felt like "This is how love is supposed to be". That is the thought that I had. And she looked amazing, and I was worried that some girl was going to wanna when I first saw her when she came to pick me up, but that was INSIGNIFICANT, y'know? Cause then she smiled at me and we got in the car and she laughed and after she said, "Your mom's got me so nervous, I forgot how to start the car", she said, "You look absolutely gorgeous".

Now, don't mistake me when I say that no one has ever said it the way that she did. Don't mistake me when I say that no one has ever said it and I've believed them, because I know that a lot of people have said it to me, on multiple occasions. But this time, this girl, the way she said it, made me believe it, because as long as I am beautiful in her eyes, then I feel like I am beautiful.

So thank you, Rebecca, for making me feel like Cinderella. I love you soooo~ much, words can't even describe it.

The music was fantastic.

The bands that I REMEMBER were "Slow Motion Killers", "All Your Friends Are Dead", and "Amsden" or something like that. I intend to look up "All Your Friends Are Dead" and "Amsden". My "get this party started" attitude won Rebecca a bandana, cause I'm just awesome like that and people love me when they're debating on taking their shirts off and I scream "Just do it!" XDD (That was Amsden, btw.)

And "All Your Friends Are Dead" was AMAZING. I was head-banging like crazy, and it was fun :D

So, in short, last night was AMAZING.

AlternaProm,

2010-05-30T00:59:00.002-04:00

was perfect. I had this really long blog typed up but I messed up and put a heart in so it deleted a LOT of my post. So I'll summarize it:

I absolutely LOVED dancing with Rebecca. I love her period, she makes me feel loved, special, wanted, needed, and like everything is gonna be okay.
The bands were AMAZING. They were phenominal
There was little to no drama tonight.
Rebecca looked really hot tonight, and she always looks hot, but you get my drift
Tonight was PERFECT. Couldn't have asked for a better night.

I'll talk about it more tomorrow, when it's NOT 1:05 in the morning. Love to all!!

Thank You, Karma,

2010-05-29T12:58:00.002-04:00

I was wondering when my good karma was gonna kick in XDD

Cause I know I was saving up. Maybe it was just saving up for the summer. I've been spending a lot of time with Rebecca, Kristin is moving back to town, CJ is gonna go to West Port, and all feels right with the world. AlternaProm tonight, maybe Chelsea's party tomorrow, and then Monday maybe hanging out with Kristin and finishing my English final, which is coming out really good. The class apparently loved it, and the sub asked me if I copied it out of a book XDDD But I was glad to get some verbal appreciation towards my work. It made my day. No, scratch that, or did hanging with Rebecca in Photo make my day? Ah, maybe, or was it watching her in karate and seeing her do something she loves? Mm, that could be it, but so could going to Prince of Persia with her and Carissa and Cristina and Doreen and DJ. It could also be gettin that little voodoo doll, or after the movie XDD Either way, yesterday was a good day; this week has just been a good week.

I like that I have some time to myself when I'm walking certain places, too. It gives me time to rest my cheeks cause I've been smiling so much lately XDD And when I'm alone, I just have a nuetral face until someone texts me with something that makes me smile ^o^

AlternaProm tonight; Rebecca's supposed to pick me up.
I need to get in the shower so that I can get over to Alyssa's before three and still have time to fix mah dress. CURSE YOU, TINY TITS! XDD

All right, Lena, out.

I hope everyone has a good weekend!!

Miss Miller,

2010-05-26T22:17:00.000-04:00

You are amazing.
That is all XDD

I Brought My Laptop Thursday,

2010-05-22T13:18:00.003-04:00

And so we took pictures with my webcam. The first one is from a couple weeks ago XDD And then the rest are from Thursday

I am surrounded by men in that class XDD
That's all for now. Ducky Derby today and then nothing.

It's Bothering Me,

2010-05-17T22:35:00.002-04:00

As to why I got the Yahoo! Messanger request now, cause I have no idea XDD
But I'm not gonna dwell on it.
*
So like, six or seven people asked about the hickies XDD
And Steffy got kinda mad.
And Rebecca was telling me to cover them up XDD
I thought it was funny.
Took a nap in chemistry. XDD

When Hateful Things Are Said,

2010-05-17T22:11:00.001-04:00

I am not so forgiving.

Friday,

2010-05-16T21:34:00.001-04:00

Was amazing.
The senior art show was fun, and hanging out afterwards was fun. Of course, the fun kind of died when Rissa got a little emo on us, but that's okay XDD We went to this Mexican place and Cristina actually knew one of the N*Sync songs me and Alyssa used to love and I didn't feel like Carissa or Doreen hated me and it was pretty great :D Then we went to the square and the emoness happened, but it's okay. It didn't ruin my night, I dunno about anyone elses XDDD
And then Rebecca and I got some alone time, and that's always fun ;D
Uuuum~
That's it XDD
OH!
Went swimming today with Alyssa again, and the hickies were found XDD CURSE YOU FOR BEING OBSERVANT, MAMAW. MOM DIDN'T NOTICE XDD

"I Love You,"

2010-05-12T21:25:00.002-04:00

"One, two, a-three shooby doo,

I love you four; that's MORE than I can afford

And I can tell someday that I'm gonna say the truth.

I love you five :D"

- "I Love You 5" by NeverShoutNever

Aaaaaaaah~ today was fantastic.

After school, I hung out with Rebecca and Doreen and Carissa, and we went to go put up some flyers for the senior art show. We went into Starbucks and got distracted, though XD So Carissa and Doreen ended up leavng before we put them all up. And Rebecca and I were supposed to put the rest of them up but we SO didn't XDD We went to Sprint to see if Amy was there, but she wasn't so we went to Walmart and walked around and looked at fish, and then we went to the mall and walked around. We ran into Andrew and some guy whose name I don't know, and we hung out with them and they told me about nasty things you can do to a penis XDDD Then we left and stuff happened, haha, not too bad, and then I went to dance.

It was fun :D

I Have Got,

2010-05-11T13:22:00.002-04:00

Stickers with the names and prices of Dustin's pieces on me. I've got "These Boots Were Made for Moshing" for $30, "Abby Cudduo" for $100, and "The Prophets are Written on the Walls", which is not for sale XDD

I'm Tired.

2010-05-11T06:53:00.001-04:00

Yes.
That is about it for this morning XDDD

This is Getting,

2010-05-10T21:47:00.001-04:00

Tiring.
Thank you, Rebecca, for defending me and making things better.
Thank you Daddy and Mallory and Meg for making things better.
Thank you Dustin for patting my head XDD
I'm really, really tired. I wish this shit would stop.

I Have,

2010-05-10T16:42:00.001-04:00

Made it through today.
Thank goodness.
She wasn't there today. I'm not gonna question it.

Once The Crying Was Done,

2010-05-09T21:14:00.002-04:00

I realized that I am SO MUCH better off without you. I am better off without you poking and prying at my ego for your own personal gain. I am better off without you constantly talking down to me, I am better off without your being mean to me and snarky towards me whenever you're having a bad day, or trying to make me feel bad when my day isn't bad and yours is. I am better off. So go, follow in your mother's footsteps and become the person you kept telling me you hate. I'm done trying to save you from yourself. And so, with that, once I submit this, I will delete the blog entries, and you from my phone. And that will be that. I will throw out the necklace that I have that matches yours, and I'll either throw away the stuffed animal you bought for me or I'll give it back to you; whichever is more convinient for me.

Thank you, good bye.

If anyone approaches me with any of this drama, I will drop kick them in the face ^_^

Do You Guys Wanna Know,

2010-05-09T17:44:00.003-04:00

The real reason that I love Rebecca?

I mean the real, true, honest to whomever you choose to believe in, no bullshit answer?

Because no matter what I do, no matter how wrong I am, no matter how bad I get, she still gives a damn about me. She never judges me before hearing what I have to say, and she may be stubborn but she's not unnmovable. She brings out the best in me. She makes me smile when I'm crying. She tells me she loves me and she shows it in a way that I never, ever doubt it. She tells me her secrets and I tell her mine, and I feel safe. I feel like everything is gonna be okay. Even when I doubt her ability to save me, I still trust that she's gonna help me pick up those pieces that break during the fall. She lets me help, lets me in, and lets me do what is in my nature. We can talk about politics, or the past, or religion like it's nothing, and we may disagree but we can find that gray where we can say, "I disagree, but I love you and therefore I respect your opinion".

So.

There.

I had to get that out, for a change of pace.

I love you, Rebecca :D

And You'll Go Down,

2010-05-09T17:31:00.001-04:00

Like the bitch you are.
I don't hate you, though.
So if this is it, whatever.
Fun ride.
But I really, really don't need your shit.
I don't need your self pity, I don't need you trying to drag me down.
I wish the best for you.

Bout to Go Swimming,

2010-05-08T11:53:00.002-04:00

With Alyssa and Tyler.
Then shoe shopping and gettin my hair done,
Then possibly a date with Rebecca later,
and that will compose my Saturday. ^_^
*
"Waitin on you to come around.
I pick you up and you knock me down.
You should know that
I'm not that strong a (wo)man
Wonderin why it has to be this way."
- "Don't Pick Up" by Shayne Orok

Compatibility,

2010-05-08T08:00:00.002-04:00

Is something that humans invented in their minds.

The distance is getting bigger partially due to me not liking the way you've been talking to me. And I've been scared to write about this because I don't want to hurt anyone at all. And if you're not afraid to hurt someone than neither am I.

But in all honesty, the reason I'm letting you make that gap is because you talk to me as if I'm lesser than you. As if I'm not your equal; I'm lower than you, for whatever reason, and therefore it's okay to speak to me as so. It's okay to call me stupid and laugh at my expense, because I won't say anything about it. It's okay to make fun of how slow my math is and rub in my face how fast yours is, even when I turn away, because we're friends and you're "just kidding". It's okay to tell people my secrets because their my friends, too, and they deserve to know, even though I confided in YOU thinking that no one else would know until I was ready for them to know. It's okay to snap at me when you want something to happen and it won't because I won't fight back.

Well, I fought back yesterday, hun, and you didn't like it very much. I offered a helpful solution to your dilemna, but that wasn't good enough. It had to turn into "I think it should just be this way instead". So I offered my thoughts to add to yours, to maybe form a good theory. But you were NOT willing to accept that. You went on about fairness and bias, so I offered reasons, not seeing anything wrong with the scheme of things. So you told me whatever, that you were trying to be "helpful, or whatever the hell" you were trying to be, in your words. And that's where I didn't want to deal with it anymore. Because what you were doing wasn't helpful; I was trying to offer tools for your thought proccess, maybe to enhance it, maybe to make you see that the theme of things isn't that bad, maybe to get you to give me LOGICAL points and prove me wrong. But you had to turn around and snap at me. And this happens a LOT. And I don't like it. I don't enjoy that, (it is one of the MANY reasons I like talking to Rebecca; if there's something we both disagree about, we can find a way to make each other see the other person's side. You just kinda snapped at me, and I HATE IT when someone says whatever to me). So I told you to stop bitching at me, and you told me you weren't bitching, and I disagreed, and I got "whatever, you're right, I'm wrong, End of discussion". Dismissing me, now, whether that was your intention or not. And I wasn't trying to say that you were wrong. I was trying to say that the way that you were going about discussing this with me wasn't in a pleasant way. Aka, it was bitchy. Your word choice made me interperet it as bitchy. Whether I interpereted it wrong or not is questionable. What's not questionable is that I didn't like it, and that my exact words were: "I was just trying to tell you why -_- Bitching at me isn't going to change it". So, you weren't bitching. You said so yourself. "I'm not bitching." And I argued that I thought you were cause of your word choice, and that I didn't know WHY we kept having this problem but that I wasn't in the mood for foul attitudes today. To which you said that you weren't in a foul mood until I sent that. Well, the second you said "whatever", my brain interpereted that as a foul attitude.

But that isn't the first time that has happened, hun, and I'm getting a little fed up with you talking to me like that. Maybe you lash out at me because you feel like you can't lash out at anyone else. Maybe you get a thrill out of seeing me bite my tongue and grin and bear it. Or maybe you don't realize that you're doing anything wrong at all. "Whatever the hell [it] is", haha I made myself giggle cause I know I'm being bitchy here, I don't like it. And I don't know why it's suddenly coming around. We had this problem last April through October, and now it's come back. And if you're acting like this because of what I THINK, then it's extremely childish and it needs to stop. And if it's not, I wanna know what it is. Let me know what I am doing wrong, so that I can either fix it or try to explain why I'm that way and can't change it.

And that compatibility thing, going back to my point.

Why were we compatible before, but suddenly we're not?
I haven't changed at all. I read through my blog and I haven't changed; my thoughts are the same, basically. NO. There is ONE thing that has changed, and it's that I'm happier. So is it that I'm happy? Is that what's got you all pissed off at me? Because you turn into a downer the second I step into a room, and I really try to pick you back up, but it's like you want me down so that you can feel up. And if that's the way it is, then fine; I'm not willing to let you drag me down so that you can feel better about whatever it is that you're not feeling good about. Just so that we're clear on that.

So are we not compatible anymore because I'm not sad?

Are we not compatible because I'm not pissed off?

Not upset?

Are we not compatible because we aren't feeling the same emotions right now?

You said that Rebecca is uneducated, and that you're more mature than her. But that's definately not the case, hun. You may be book smart, and have more book smarts than her, but whatever you've got against me is childish and is recent, and I have done NOTHING to deserve it. That is the opposite of maturity.

So with that said.

Hello, I am Lena, and I am sick of this shit.

I'mma Assume~

2010-05-07T21:21:00.000-04:00

That it's safe to say we're not gonna get to hang out tomorrow ^_^
Gotta brace myself for that now.
Mkay.
I am braced.
But I am getting my hair done and going shoe shopping in the morning, so I'll be okay.

"And TERRIBLY Convinced,"

2010-05-06T16:50:00.002-04:00

"She could be my princess, and I could be her prince, and I've felt that way since I saw Jane Doe"
- "Jane Doe" by NeverShoutNever
**
I do realize, Basia.
I realize the gap, and I realize that you've been distancing yourself from me, and I can't understand why because I've never really had anyone seperate themselves from me. I would need you to tell me to understand. I do realize that I'm an introvert by nature, and I do realize Rebecca's personality. I realize that I need a Rebecca in my life, and I prefer this one.
But there's one thing that I realize that you left out.
I'm doing my best to protect her, too.
Maybe you see it, maybe you don't. Either way, I just want it to be known that I try to make sure that nothing like that happens to her.
But the thing that I need you to see the most:
You don't mean nothing to me.
And I NEED you to see that.
**
I haven't updated this in a long time O.o
Wow.
Um.
Not much has been going on XDD
AlternaProm is comin up fast. I invited both Mallory AND Alyssa. And I won't tolerate drama. I'll have to keep Alyssa under a leash or something like that.

Yesterday,

2010-04-18T11:13:00.002-04:00

Was great :D

I had a lot of fun, I really did. Save for Carissa starting a bit of drama, it was fun. And~ Rebecca brought me home v////////v It was fun. I had fun, and I actually drew in my square this year. And after Art in the Park, I went to see my mom's dance show with the different Dance Companies in Marion County. It was a really good show, and I really liked the foriegn dances, even though everyone that I was sitting by didn't get them. I got them XDDD I didn't like Forest's Lady Cats Dance Crew, and I didn't like the upbeat dance that Victoria's School of Dance did, but everyone else was amazing.

Rebecca came over this morning on her way home, and she stayed for two hours. It felt like she was only here for like, thirty minutes O_O But it makes me smile that she came over. And I'm not sad that she's gone, surprise surprise!! Just happy that I saw her :3

And I am hungry XDDD

I'm done for now :D

Haha,

2010-04-16T21:12:00.001-04:00

I'm glad you didn't wait until tomorrow ^_^

Just So Everyone Knows:

2010-04-15T23:51:00.002-04:00

I do NOT intend to be silent tomorrow, which starts officially in eight minutes.

I do NOT intend to stop talking.

I do NOT intend to sit back and shut up to show that my community is bashed and beaten up.

I am not the kind of person that believes that being silent solves anything. Neither does being too loud. But I don't think that there's anything solved by being silent. No one knows what you want, no one knows that you're feeling, no one knows ANYTHING. No one learns ANYTHING. Because in the end, they're getting what they want:

They're getting the gay community and everyone that supports it to shut up for a day

And I don't like it when the people against me get what they want :p

So as I told Rebecca last year:

"It's stupid. Silence doesn't solve anything."

And I'm tired of straight people saying that I'm wrong or getting mad at me for thinking like this -_____- I'm glad you support the community, but I live in it. I breathe it. Don't get made at me just because I feel like you're going about it wrong.

Thank You So Much,

2010-04-15T23:00:00.001-04:00

and I love you too :D

I'm About to Be Really Blunt,

2010-04-15T18:00:00.003-04:00

because this is my blog and I'm allowed to be blunt, damn it.
I'm tired of people complaining about love.
If it's makin you wanna complain, then it's not love.

It Breaks Mah Little Heart

2010-04-13T22:36:00.001-04:00

That I'm not gonna be there this year.

I Don't Understand...

2010-04-08T16:15:00.001-04:00

The day of silence to go against gay hate thing.
I don't think that silence is the way to stop hate.

I Am Slowly Learning That I Think,

2010-04-06T08:56:00.002-04:00

That SELF PITY is the worst kind of pity that a human can feel.

I really do believe it.

I am guilty of feeling self pity. But I can always look around and say, "Well. I suppose it could be worse." And then pick myself off, brush the dirt away from my skirt, and then move along with LIFE. Cause I'm living it. But self pity stops you. It stops what life could be and where you could be going all because you just want something so bad that you want everyone else to feel for you until you get it. That's not the way to get what you want. Bitching and bitching and bitching is NOT the way to get the things that you want. The way to get what you want is by listening, talking, smiling, waiting, letting people in. Feeling bad for yourself isn't listening, it's talking but it's not positive, you're not really smiling when you feel bad for yourself, you're not waiting for good things to come; you're complaining about how long it's taking them to get there, and it's not letting people in. It's pushing them away.

I think self pity is an ugly thing that humans are prone to feeling, but that you can cast aside if you REALLY want happiness. Someone out there is feeling just as bad for you as you are for youself. Let them be down for you, but hope that no one is feeling down. Wishing ill on others, wanting to raise havoc, (yeah, hun, I heard about that; last time I tell YOU anything, ma'am, and you know who you are if you still read this thing. If not, it's none of my regular readers, sooo~ dun worry about this being directed at you XDDD) Ah. I forgot where I was going with that, because I was just reminded how mad that makes me. I don't understand why it makes her so mad. It makes me want to show up and Art in the Park and just raise a little havoc on her end. But I won't. If I go to Art in the Park, it'll be because Rebecca asked me to and I'll do my best to keep her spirits up. Cause that's my main focus, not the self pity and hate parade that I sense coming my way.

So, anyway. Feeling self pity isn't gonna get you anywhere.

Raising hell because you're feeling down on yourself isn't, either.

So just chillax.

Sit under a tree and watch the grass grow.

Listen to some NeverShoutNever!

Cause there's always someone out there whose got it worse than you. Especially if you live in the U.S. of A.

But don't think about that, because that's not gonna bring you up.

Don't think about how much you miss something you had; if you were meant to have it, you'll get it back. If not, it's not a big deal. Something better for you will come along.

Don't think about the drama and what stresses you out. Don't think about people who give you headaches, or people that you hate, or people that make you want to cry. In fact, if you want to cheer yourself up, don't think about people AT ALL.

I was reading a couple of things and I had to get that out. ^_^

Stop...

2010-04-03T16:46:00.001-04:00

Telling me that we're gonna hang out unless you're ONE MILLION PERCENT POSITIVE that we are. I hate it when you say we are and then I got my hopes up for nothing.

Now That My Blog Is Working:

2010-04-03T09:43:00.001-04:00

I won third place in a writing contest and I should be getting $250 bucks in the mail sometime soon.

Uuuuuum~

Went to dinner with Nikki and Ani and their family for Anilease's birthday. I wasn't allowed to text; my job was to sit there and look pretty and pretend that I was listening to everything that everyone said to me. Luckily, I only spoke to mom, Zoe, and Ani the whole dinner, save for when Nikki wanted to tell Mary Beth about my winning-ness and my mom wanted me to tell Fritchy and his wife, Linda.

Zoe got my mom so mad that she stormed away from the table and ran to the bathroom. So I followed my mommy so that I could give her a hug before she went back out there. As I was leaving to go console my mom, I glared at Zoe and said, "Thanks, Zoe, for ruining her evening." Zoe tried to tone it down after that, so I think I FINALLY got through that big head of hers.

I think that's it.

October

2010-04-03T09:32:00.004-04:00

I know all these
Beautiful words,
Witty phrases,
And pleasant nothings
But when my Heart
Remembers that
Month that I was
Abandoned by you
Beautiful words,
Witty phrases,
And pleasant nothings
Are insignificant
And I lose my meter
I lose my rhyme
I had no rhyme to begin with,
But had I it would still be lost.

I remember October.
I remember the pain.
I remember sitting alone
Wishing that there was
Something that I could do
To fix whatever I had done.
I remember hating myself
Feeling ugly, feeling lost,
Feeling like there was nothing
That I could do.
But I remember what came after October
In a way that I can say those
Beautiful words
Witty phrases
and Sweet nothings.

I remember how hard you tried.
"Lena, Lena, Lena!"
To get my attention back.
I remember how you cried,
"It's just not fair, Lena!"
When you indirectly understood
How I felt.
And I remember how you called,
"I didn't think you'd answer, Lena!"
And the light was back in your voice.
I remember how you texted me,
"That I'm still in love with you, Lena."
And how it made my heart flutter.
I remember how you told me,
"We can't be doing this, Lena."
When you kissed me on my birthday.

So I remember October.
Even if my rhyme is gone
And my meter is gone,
I remember October.
But it might as well have
Not happened to us
Because in reality,
What has changed?

I Hate That...

2010-04-01T18:27:00.004-04:00

She refused to model for me, but she'll model for everyone else -____________- I thought I'd share that annoyance with ya'll.
*
I spent all of fourth period making Dustin feel better. I sort of failed a little bit, and that made me sad. But it was okay, I suppose.

I wanna look through my blog entries for October. Cause it did happen. I remember crying at the mall the day after. I remember leaving my phone off for days at a time because I didn't want to look at it. I remember it all.

I know how Dustin feels when the person that he loves is running around smiling at everyone else.

I know how angry and sad and disappoinnted and lost and just DOWN he feels. Cause that was me most of October. And he helped bring me back up, so I feel like it's my job to help HIM now. Even if he doesn't want it.

I hope he's having fun at Art Club. I really, really do.

It happened X3

"Tuesdays, I Lay Awake"

2010-03-30T20:53:00.003-04:00

- "Dare4Distance" by NeverShoutNever!
*
I had a panic attack in class today
It was so bad that I ran out of my classroom in the highest, thinnest heels to throw up in the bathroom. It was over something stupid, so don't ask.
And then, when my mom called to tell me that she was gonna send Mamaw for me, she said that Nic had a seizure at school.
So today sucked.

"Scream and Shout and Tell Everybody that You're Gonna Leave"

2010-03-29T18:59:00.003-04:00

- "BigCityDreams" by NeverShoutNever!
*
I figured that quote suited me XDDD
I dunno why.
*
I don't know what to write about.

I'M SO FAKE

2010-03-27T20:49:00.000-04:00

I'm happy for you.
But I know this means that I'm gonna get left behind XDD